guess this day will come sooner or later but the thought of it just came past my mind today...
from what i see all my brothers and sisters they are doing what they want to do, pursuing their dreams and goals, holding onto roles of higher commitment to inspire,touch and encourage others and of course be with their better half. Basically living their part of lives, all of which stated I'm very proud and happy for them honestly. in due course there will definitely be a decrease of contact with all of them, not seeing each other as often and talking like how we are right now due to the commitments and responsibilities. which brings me back to the thought. the thought of losing each and everyone of them. there will definitely be those who say "no la we still will keep in contact" or some where along that line which of course i don't doubt their words but still there is a decrease in contact. now I'm being honest with my feeling and myself, i do not want my brothers and sisters to leave me. it really saddens me a lot and its affecting me a lot all these while with the thought of being all alone just that i don't voice it out because well i do not want to trouble them all. come to think about it they are all i have. but still i will say that I'm still very happy for them to be moving on with their lives,seeing them grow into better individuals, being happy and also helping others. guess all along i've been feeling down is due to this main reason of losing everyone and everything. come to think of it all of them have their own things that they excel in such as in work, in being truly responsible individuals or just being unique in their own way in terms of their life goals which really make me look up to each and everyone of them :) but whenever i look at myself i realised that i got nothing that im good at. ok maybe like what some of them say....im only good at nagging or making a fool out of myself hahahaha... well guess today really made me realised that I'm the type of person that is very "sticky" to those around me when i always say that i can't stand it when people are so "sticky". shall stop my ranting here and see how things goes...
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Monday, August 29, 2011
...
everything that is happening is all my fault...
its my fault for being so useless...
for not being able to contribute...
maybe just maybe i really dont deserve to be here...
its my fault for being so useless...
for not being able to contribute...
maybe just maybe i really dont deserve to be here...
Thursday, August 11, 2011
why
why must it always b me to give in to everything?
why is that that only my flaws are seen even when im trying my best to meet up to expectations?
it hurts to see that im not doing my family proud and that its coming from them personally...
why is it that im only allowed to swallow all my unhappiness and not express it out?
even if i do, im still in the wrong for saying it out...
just because im studying nursing doesnt mean that i have to change who i am right?
as the years pass im being treated more and more like a tool
feel that the only thing im given is money and everything else i got to depand on my own...
if that is the case i rather not be given any money at all in exchange for what im losing right now...
i am not asking for much...i am just asking to be treated as a son, a close friend which i know i will never be anymore, someone that can be depanded on, someone to be proud of...
but most of all i just want to be treated as a human being again if possible...
why is that that only my flaws are seen even when im trying my best to meet up to expectations?
it hurts to see that im not doing my family proud and that its coming from them personally...
why is it that im only allowed to swallow all my unhappiness and not express it out?
even if i do, im still in the wrong for saying it out...
just because im studying nursing doesnt mean that i have to change who i am right?
as the years pass im being treated more and more like a tool
feel that the only thing im given is money and everything else i got to depand on my own...
if that is the case i rather not be given any money at all in exchange for what im losing right now...
i am not asking for much...i am just asking to be treated as a son, a close friend which i know i will never be anymore, someone that can be depanded on, someone to be proud of...
but most of all i just want to be treated as a human being again if possible...
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
farewell i guess....
on the outside i may seem to be fine and happy just like everyone else...
but also just like everyone else,
i have my issues and my greatest is trying to fight against my emotions..
to most it may seem like their issues are way bigger than mine which i agree
which is why i chose not to say and show anything but keep everything inside...
everyday and night im crying on the inside and i know im slowly hurting and killing myself from the inside...
but still chose not to say anything to anyone because i do not want to worry anybody...
dont want to seem like im selfish or just wanting to attract attention...
and rahter help those around me, trying to make them happy, sharing their burden or at least be a listening ear to them even though i know i cant do much but still want to help them which is why many times the thought of "what if one day i'm just emotionless?" would it be better? won't than will i be able to help others more? i know its an oxymoron statement saying not wanting any emotions but still want to help others as helping others means that there are emotions involved...
all i can do now which is what im doing for quite sometime already,maybe for a few years,
is just to keep everything inside, to myself and carry on with things...
wish that things could be how it used to be but i know time will never be able to turn back...
but also just like everyone else,
i have my issues and my greatest is trying to fight against my emotions..
to most it may seem like their issues are way bigger than mine which i agree
which is why i chose not to say and show anything but keep everything inside...
everyday and night im crying on the inside and i know im slowly hurting and killing myself from the inside...
but still chose not to say anything to anyone because i do not want to worry anybody...
dont want to seem like im selfish or just wanting to attract attention...
and rahter help those around me, trying to make them happy, sharing their burden or at least be a listening ear to them even though i know i cant do much but still want to help them which is why many times the thought of "what if one day i'm just emotionless?" would it be better? won't than will i be able to help others more? i know its an oxymoron statement saying not wanting any emotions but still want to help others as helping others means that there are emotions involved...
all i can do now which is what im doing for quite sometime already,maybe for a few years,
is just to keep everything inside, to myself and carry on with things...
wish that things could be how it used to be but i know time will never be able to turn back...
Sunday, July 10, 2011
self
there are times whereby i really consider being back to my old self...
in the past although im always the transparent and the shadows of others but at least wadever i did was being recognised...
in the past at least i felt that i wasnt ignored when ever i said something...
in the past when ppl 'see' me at least they will ask how am i doing n see me as a happy person which i really was all they said was i had to express myself more...
but now...yes i did tried to express more of myself, tried to b happy ( but obviously not), still am transparent and always being the shadow,tried and still trying to improve myself always but it seems that its never enuf, things that i did, to others now it was jus things that was expected of me to do, had more frens but in actual fact are they truely my frens?
getting sick of being called this and that, tried to change my behavior but things still continued being the same...
intially tried reaching out to ppl ard me trying to 'shout' for help but those who i told didnt nt understand how i felt or jus put wadever i said to one side...eventually i jus told myself forget it jus keep everything to urself...
seeing others being constantly praised of this and that which im proud n happy for them but at the back of my mind the thought of "when isitz gonna b my turn?" always appears.
its true that this whole post all i've said is about myself n sound that im being very selfish...
but than again am i...
in the past although im always the transparent and the shadows of others but at least wadever i did was being recognised...
in the past at least i felt that i wasnt ignored when ever i said something...
in the past when ppl 'see' me at least they will ask how am i doing n see me as a happy person which i really was all they said was i had to express myself more...
but now...yes i did tried to express more of myself, tried to b happy ( but obviously not), still am transparent and always being the shadow,tried and still trying to improve myself always but it seems that its never enuf, things that i did, to others now it was jus things that was expected of me to do, had more frens but in actual fact are they truely my frens?
getting sick of being called this and that, tried to change my behavior but things still continued being the same...
intially tried reaching out to ppl ard me trying to 'shout' for help but those who i told didnt nt understand how i felt or jus put wadever i said to one side...eventually i jus told myself forget it jus keep everything to urself...
seeing others being constantly praised of this and that which im proud n happy for them but at the back of my mind the thought of "when isitz gonna b my turn?" always appears.
its true that this whole post all i've said is about myself n sound that im being very selfish...
but than again am i...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)