lost...

guess this day will come sooner or later but the thought of it just came past my mind today...
from what i see all my brothers and sisters they are doing what they want to do, pursuing  their dreams and goals, holding onto roles of higher commitment to inspire,touch and encourage others and of course be with their better half. Basically living their part of lives, all of which stated I'm very proud and happy for them honestly. in due course there will definitely be a decrease of contact with all of them, not seeing each other as often and talking like how we are right now due to the commitments and responsibilities. which brings me back to the thought. the thought of losing each and everyone of them. there will definitely be those who say "no la we still will keep in contact" or some where along that line which of course i don't doubt their words but still there is a decrease in contact. now I'm being honest with my feeling and myself, i do not want my brothers and sisters to leave me. it really saddens me a lot and its affecting me a lot all these while with the thought of being all alone just that i don't voice it out because well i do not want to trouble them all. come to think about it they are all i have. but still i will say that I'm still very happy for them to be moving on with their lives,seeing them grow into better individuals, being happy and also helping others. guess all along i've been feeling down is due to this main reason of losing everyone and everything. come to think of it all of them have their own things that they excel in such as in work, in being truly responsible individuals or just being unique in their own way in terms of their life goals which really make me look up to each and everyone of them :) but whenever i look at myself i realised that i got nothing that im good at. ok maybe like what some of them say....im only good at nagging or making a fool out of myself hahahaha... well guess today really made me realised that I'm the type of person that is very "sticky" to those around me when i always say that i can't stand it when people are so "sticky". shall stop my ranting here and see how things goes...

gone...

tired of life...tired of living....

just thinking

really wonder how does the afterlife feels like....

...

everything that is happening is all my fault...
its my fault for being so useless...
for not being able to contribute...
maybe just maybe i really dont deserve to be here...

why

why must it always b me to give in to everything?
why is that that only my flaws are seen even when im trying my best to meet up to expectations?
it hurts to see that im not doing my family proud and that its coming from them personally...
why is it that im only allowed to swallow all my unhappiness and not express it out?
even if i do, im still in the wrong for saying it out...
just because im studying nursing doesnt mean that i have to change who i am right?
as the years pass im being treated more and more like a tool
feel that the only thing im given is money and everything else i got to depand on my own...
if that is the case i rather not be given any money at all in exchange for what im losing right now...
i am not asking for much...i am just asking to be treated as a son, a close friend which i know i will never be anymore, someone that can be depanded on, someone to be proud of...
but most of all i just want to be treated as a human being again if possible...

farewell i guess....

on the outside i may seem to be fine and happy just like everyone else...
but also just like everyone else,
i have my issues and my greatest is trying to fight against my emotions..
to most it may seem like their issues are way bigger than mine which i agree
which is why i chose not to say and show anything but keep everything inside...
everyday and night im crying on the inside and i know im slowly hurting and killing myself from the inside...
but still chose not to say anything to anyone because i do not want to worry anybody...
dont want to seem like im selfish or just wanting to attract attention...
and rahter help those around me, trying to make them happy, sharing their burden or at least be a listening ear to them even though i know i cant do much but still want to help them which is why many times the thought of "what if one day i'm just emotionless?" would it be better? won't than will i be able to help others more? i know its an oxymoron statement saying not wanting any emotions but still want to help others as helping others means that there are emotions involved...
all i can do now which is what im doing for quite sometime already,maybe for a few years,
is just to keep everything inside, to myself and carry on with things...
wish that things could be how it used to be but i know time will never be able to turn back...

self

there are times whereby i really consider being back to my old self...
in the past although im always the transparent and the shadows of others but at least wadever i did was being recognised...
in the past at least i felt that i wasnt ignored when ever i said something...
in the past when ppl 'see' me at least they will ask how am i doing n see me as a happy person which i really was all they said was i had to express myself more...
but now...yes i did tried to express more of myself, tried to b happy ( but obviously not), still am transparent and always being the shadow,tried and still trying to improve myself always but it seems that its never enuf, things that i did, to others now it was jus things that was expected of me to do, had more frens but in actual fact are they truely my frens?
getting sick of being called this and that, tried to change my behavior but things still continued being the same...
intially tried reaching out to ppl ard me trying to 'shout' for help but those who i told didnt nt understand how i felt or jus put wadever i said to one side...eventually i jus told myself forget it jus keep everything to urself...
seeing others being constantly praised of this and that which im proud n happy for them but at the back of my mind the thought of "when isitz gonna b my turn?" always appears.

its true that this whole post all i've said is about myself n sound that im being very selfish...
but than again am i...

wad is the truth and wad is not? is there a difference now?
emotions or reasoning? which to choose?
remain being myself or someone else, someone different?
am i a person or just a thing that people use and throw? most people just ask for what they want from me and than disappear only to appear again when they need more things before disappear.
physical tired or emotional tired? again who am i to complain or say anything.
happiness or sadness? i doubt there is such emotions in me or is there?
there are so many questions in my mind and many more that are unsolved except for 1 question.
bye for now than...

expressing

the thought of giving up is so easy
but yet when it comes to trying to giv up its so difficult
how i wish tat i can reali giv up now
so tired but yet again everyone is n some even more tired than i am
so who am i to complain bout anything at all

its all about me -_-'''

Aquarius Strength Keywords:

- Witty
- Clever
- Humanitarian
- Inventive
- Original

Aquarius Weakness Keywords:

- Stubborn
- Unemotional
- Sarcastic
- Rebellious
- Aloof

Aquarius and Independence:

Aquarius personality is very independent, any attempt to hold them down or restrict them will cause them, to flee. They need to be free to be on their own. Independence is not just desired by Aquarius, it is essential to their well being.

Aquarius and Friendship:

Beneath the detached, unemotional exterior lies a kind hearted friend that will go out of their way to help another. They love to make people laugh and cheer people up and it makes them feel good to make others feel good. They do not expect anything in return for this could put a damper on their freedom, they live with no strings attached. They are very unconventional and always full of excitement, an Aquarius friend always makes life fun. They might offer you a spontaneous last minute camping trip with no supplies prepared, if you decide to go along, you will have a weekend to remember forever!

Aquarius and Business:

Aquarius likes to do something useful with their lives, mixing that with their amazing way with people, they make excellent politicians and social workers/psychologists. They are progressive thinkers and are great at forming new ideologies and theories, any type of research is very suited to Aquarius. Aquarius one downfall in the business world is the attention to detail, they like the grand ideas and massive plans and can make them happen, but the mundane day to day repetitive details causes them to procrastinate. Aquarius needs a secretary.

Aquarius and Temperament:

Aquarius tend to be rebels just for the sake of having their own way. Their stubbornness sometimes causes their failure, they will continue to do something their way even though others have proved it is wrong, they are very smart people and know it is wrong but they will continue just because it is their way, they are very fixed in opinion and stubborn when confronted. Despite their stubbornness and fixed opinion, they will never impose their ideas on others, they have respect for everybody's differences.

Aquarius Deep Inside:

Aquarius are in search of wisdom, they are very observant and they can gather their information objectively because emotions do not get in the way, they seem to be above emotions altogether and when they speak, they speak the truth. Sometimes it may be shocking or painful because of their disregard for the feelings of others, but they intend no harm, they call it like they see it and do not emotions cloud their judgment, they are very detached from emotion. It is not that Aquarius are unemotional, they just to not trust their emotions so they incorporate them into their ideas of who they are. As a result, if someone does not agree with their ideas, Aquarius sometimes takes it personally, not as much as other zodiac signs however as Aquarius is intellect driven and not emotionally driven. Sometimes they wonder if there is something in life that they are missing because they do not feel like other people feel. This does not necessarily prevent them from being involved in intimate relationships, they are capable of this but the person on the other end will always notice an air of detachment from Aquarius. Aquarius wonders 'why?' so much that they can question their existence. They wonder if what they are doing is useful, they want other people to notice them and appreciate them, this is caused by underlying insecurities that wonder if other people accept them for who they are but these are never brought to the surface because to an Aquarius, it does not matter that much because they know that they are special.

Aquarius in a Nutshell:

Aquarius is the sign of visionaries, unconventionality and intellectual independence. Aquarius are the people who deviate from the crowd and go their own way. They are always after intellectual stimulation, constantly discovering something new, forming new opinions and stubbornly traveling their way regardless of what other people think. Aquarius are filled with paradoxes, they are interested in the opposite ends of the spectrum, they like to be alone yet are social butterflies, they like to experience both sides and see both opinions as they formulate new ideas with their forward thinking, active mind. Aquarius have a 'live and let live' policy where everyone is free to be themselves, an Aquarius never judges others because as human beings, we are all equal and entitled to our own opinions. They are verbally skilled and very witty, they observe people and learn how to interact with others through observation. They can be masters of manipulation justifying anything they do or think. As a result, they can deal with any type of personality and adapt to any situation. They welcome change because boredom is their enemy. Anything new is an opportunity to Aquarius. Aquarius can act as an expert on any topic, they are very good at inflating their own importance, they feel it is deserved because their eccentricity makes them unique. Conventional people beware, Aquarius likes to shock and deviate from the norm, this is how they live. Aquarius is known to pick at anyone they find weak or dull-minded. It is simply an easy target for verbal exercise for them, no harm is meant but it might be taken from the other person. Deep inside, Aquarius would never intentionally hurt anyone, they have respect for every human, even thought this might not seem apparent to the more emotional types.

lies

I'm Not Sure I'm Ready To Leave
But I Don't Think It's Safe If I Stay
And The Burden Of Loving You Is Heavy For Me
Yeah (yeah)
But I Just Can't Seem To Turn And Walk Away

'Cause everytime that I feel at home is when I'm lookin in your eyes (your eyes)
And the only truth that I've ever known is when you're tellin me your lies (your lies)
Now I can't tell a lie, it's all a blur, not really sure, if you're a blessing or curse
And the only truth that I've ever known is when you're tellin me your lies (your lies), and I...

Loves been a disaster for me
What started out so beautiful has turned to pain
What happened to my happily ever after
See I know that it's been over for a while but I can't break away (break away)

'Cause everytime that I feel at home is when I'm lookin in your eyes (your eyes)
And the only truth that I've ever known is when you're tellin me your lies (your lies)
Now I can't tell a lie, it's all a blur, not really sure, if you're a blessing or curse
And the only truth that I've ever known is when you're tellin me your lies (your lies), and I...

Got me holding on to ya...
Got me confused I don't know what's real or fake
Baby now the only thing I'm used ta
Everyday, everynight, all the time I hear your lies

'Cause everytime that I feel at home is when I'm lookin in your eyes (your eyes)
And the only truth that I've ever known is when you're tellin me your lies (your lies)
Now I can't tell a lie, it's all a blur, not really sure, if you're a blessing or curse
And the only truth that I've ever known is when you're tellin me your lies (your lies)

since day 1 all i've heard is lies after lies even after u said tat u wont lie anymore
how naive can i get to believe wad u say time after time
i feel damn stupid n dumb
just like the lyrics of this song, what i feel every single day is exactly the same
tried doing things to forget everything
but it seems that whatever i do
no matter how much i try,nothing seems to make me forget everything

yo ppl
ok first of all suntec dance 2009 is dope
congratz to the teams tat got in esp to triple T,F.Y.I, Flair nation C.O.A, Seven and all the rest of the NRA teams hahaha cos im from NRA haha lol
ok anyway for those who wans to (or dun intend to or dunno whether wan to anot) watch G.I Joe u better go watch it cos its damn nice reali.
for myself i dint intend to watch the movie at all cos i thought its some camera/computer effect thingy movie lyk all the rest but when i went to watch it i was lyk WOW haha yea
so do go catch the movie yea
ok lastly dunno if i should get tis pair of shoes




its $72 which can say quite low price alread but dunno leh
any commends on which colour etc pls do say yea
k tats all folks tat is if anyone i reading of course
y i say tat cos i noe my blog is lyk dead only alive once in a purple moon nt even a blue moon
haha lol
k la bye ppl

how come everyone gt problems wit blogger???

wads the problem ar???

ok time to do some blogging.

finally finished my 2 weeks of attachment n never kena anything haha

also learned alot during my time in the different places tat im being attached to although there are (many) times tat its so boring n also tired cos cant sit most of the time esp when there are patients ard but than again its bcos of the many different kinds of patients tat made it so fun haha.

so yea tats all for my CA

oh ya btw although its damn long time ago...ok nt reali long time but yea

TBG was dope as usual esp wit the overseas crews n also K.O Night also nice to watch 

so yea signing off now 

bb ppl

those who noe me quite well i think will also agree tat the things written are quite true and yes my birthday is in january

January

 

Loves to teach and be taught 
Always looking at people's flaws and weaknesses 
Likes to criticize 
Hardworking and productive 
Smart, neat and organized 
Sensitive and has deep thoughts 
Knows how to make others happy 
Quiet unless excited or tensed 
Rather reserved 
Highly attentive 
Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds 
Romantic but has difficulties expressing love 
Loves children 
Homely person 
Loyal 
Needs to improve social abilities 
Easily jealous

haha n tis is such a random post 

wa!!! dunno wan to cry or b happy

jus saw my Clinical Attachment(CA) timetable 

for my first week im posted to tampines polyclinic( 29 June -3 July )

than 2nd week die liao posted to united medical care at toa payoh on the 6 n 7 July

health promotion board on the 8 July

Man Fut Tong Nursing Home at woodlands on the 9 n 10 of July hai so how wan cry or happy think both la haha

 yo ppl

ok going to talk bout poly life so far

erm now i gt 7 modules n my timetable is damn 'hole-ly' which i hate lo so much time wasted in sch jus bcos of the breaks inbetween anyway its week 5 alread in poly n common test is lyk on week 7 so damn fast rite aaaahhhh!!!!

ya so anyway im still damn lost from everything but slowly getting used to the life in poly alread 

oh ya n i gt sick n tired ok the food in sch alread during week 3 haha n im suppost to b in tis sch for lyk 3 years haha ok nth to say alread

till than ppl

bb

im sure tat most or all dancers hav been asked tis question which is 'wad is dance to you' but hav it crossed ur minds tat "why do you dance" and "for wad reasonsgoals/missions tat make you wan to dance"

well i'll been asked tis question recently n to say the truth once tis question hit me all i could think of was nth!!! my mind was blank!!! when i first started i thought it was cool(so wierd using tis word) but now i keep thinking bout tis question and all i could answer was "isitz bcos everyone else is dancing also" which is nt reali an ans but more questions. gotta find my ans which i did nt find last time reali hope tat its nt reali cos everyone else is also dancing. all i noe is tat i feel tat dance brings me joy and love and also i hav to consider bout my health n stuff hopefully i can hav the wisdom to make correct decision to everything including dance which i feel is important to me but i dunno y its important to me

P.S. anyone gt lobang for dope shoes?

NRA audition is tmr aaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

dunno if i've made a right choice by going for the auditions