gone...

tired of life...tired of living....

just thinking

really wonder how does the afterlife feels like....

...

everything that is happening is all my fault...
its my fault for being so useless...
for not being able to contribute...
maybe just maybe i really dont deserve to be here...

why

why must it always b me to give in to everything?
why is that that only my flaws are seen even when im trying my best to meet up to expectations?
it hurts to see that im not doing my family proud and that its coming from them personally...
why is it that im only allowed to swallow all my unhappiness and not express it out?
even if i do, im still in the wrong for saying it out...
just because im studying nursing doesnt mean that i have to change who i am right?
as the years pass im being treated more and more like a tool
feel that the only thing im given is money and everything else i got to depand on my own...
if that is the case i rather not be given any money at all in exchange for what im losing right now...
i am not asking for much...i am just asking to be treated as a son, a close friend which i know i will never be anymore, someone that can be depanded on, someone to be proud of...
but most of all i just want to be treated as a human being again if possible...

farewell i guess....

on the outside i may seem to be fine and happy just like everyone else...
but also just like everyone else,
i have my issues and my greatest is trying to fight against my emotions..
to most it may seem like their issues are way bigger than mine which i agree
which is why i chose not to say and show anything but keep everything inside...
everyday and night im crying on the inside and i know im slowly hurting and killing myself from the inside...
but still chose not to say anything to anyone because i do not want to worry anybody...
dont want to seem like im selfish or just wanting to attract attention...
and rahter help those around me, trying to make them happy, sharing their burden or at least be a listening ear to them even though i know i cant do much but still want to help them which is why many times the thought of "what if one day i'm just emotionless?" would it be better? won't than will i be able to help others more? i know its an oxymoron statement saying not wanting any emotions but still want to help others as helping others means that there are emotions involved...
all i can do now which is what im doing for quite sometime already,maybe for a few years,
is just to keep everything inside, to myself and carry on with things...
wish that things could be how it used to be but i know time will never be able to turn back...

self

there are times whereby i really consider being back to my old self...
in the past although im always the transparent and the shadows of others but at least wadever i did was being recognised...
in the past at least i felt that i wasnt ignored when ever i said something...
in the past when ppl 'see' me at least they will ask how am i doing n see me as a happy person which i really was all they said was i had to express myself more...
but now...yes i did tried to express more of myself, tried to b happy ( but obviously not), still am transparent and always being the shadow,tried and still trying to improve myself always but it seems that its never enuf, things that i did, to others now it was jus things that was expected of me to do, had more frens but in actual fact are they truely my frens?
getting sick of being called this and that, tried to change my behavior but things still continued being the same...
intially tried reaching out to ppl ard me trying to 'shout' for help but those who i told didnt nt understand how i felt or jus put wadever i said to one side...eventually i jus told myself forget it jus keep everything to urself...
seeing others being constantly praised of this and that which im proud n happy for them but at the back of my mind the thought of "when isitz gonna b my turn?" always appears.

its true that this whole post all i've said is about myself n sound that im being very selfish...
but than again am i...